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Before Jan, 2010
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
My short term memory is definitely not as sharp as it used to be. I've also noticed my short term memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.
Before Jan, 2008
I was at the bookstore and asked the clerk where the self-help section was.
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Before Jan, 2003
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"I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they
know me here."
"If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. if it deals
you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you
a truckload of hand grenades...now...THAT'S a message!!"
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said...............'Implants?' "
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just standing up really fast."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one
special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
"I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones
she's been giving Me lately!"
"How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?"
"Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want
to see naked?"
(submitted by Elliot, 2/02)
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Pre-2/99
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. --from John Bradley
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --Buckaroo Banzai
It is much easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. -- Rear Adm. Grace Hopper
There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
1. Never tell everything you know. --from Randy Keck
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you. --from Bill Murray
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am? --Gary Dulude
I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. --from Lee Arnold
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
"To do is to be." --Plato
"To be is to do." --Kant
"Do be do be do." --Sinatra
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!!
I keep telling my wife that I like her Mother-in-Law better than I like mine!!!
I said to my Mother-in-Law, "Our house is your house." Last week she sold it.
He's so sentimental. For Mother's Day he sends his laundry home in a Heart-Shaped box! --Milton Berle
If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: "I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day." When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods. --Epictetus, c. A.D. 110
You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing. --Marie Stopes
He who retrains his anger overcomes his greatest enemy. --Latin
proverb
Mother's Day flowers cost a fortune. The flowers are cut, but you're clipped!!! --Milton Berle
I never met a mother-in-law who was outspoken...
A mother understands what a child does not say. --A Jewish Saying
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.--Rodney Dangerfield
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. --Calvin Trillin
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. --Mark Twain
All women become like their mothers -- that is their tragedy; no man does -- that's his. --Oscar Wilde
To some men, the Mother-in-Law is the bark from the family tree.
Zest is the secret of all beauty. There is not beauty that is attractive without zest. --Christian Dior
Giving is the secret of a healthy life. Not necessarily money, but whatever a man has of encouragement and sympathy and understanding. --John D. Rockefeller Jr.
My Mother-in-Law is very well informed. She can complain on any subject. --Milton Berle
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